lately it has been a mixture....
seems as if it has been years since the fire,
and others feel like a newly opened wound when the 6 year old has a melt down
while getting ready for school because she realized her one and only
tooth she has lost, was in a treasure chest
sitting on her nightstand where she saw it every night.
It doesn't help that I can't seem to get my big girl pants on and not cry.
We both just cry. And it has begun again daily.
I think we have just been blowing and going over the past month and a half
our exhaustion level has beyond met it's limit.
I had realized how tired we all where
when I was in the grocery store, the day before the family Christmas,
on the phone with the hubs
and I hit my wall. A superb melt down on the toilet paper isle
with my head resting on a gallon of distilled water on the shelf.
I was beyond finished with everything.
Didn't want to talk to anyone but husband.
Didn't want to see anyone.
Didn't want to visit.
Didn't want anyone to ask me if I really am ok....clearly I wasn't.
Didn't want to even be around anyone at Christmas, and if you know me, this is not who I am.
All I wanted was to be with the little humans and husband and away from the world.
I had finally given up and just didn't give a crap anymore.
We talked through the family drama and he asked if I was ok
and I then realized my point of exhaustion...literally thinking I could fall asleep leaning against a shelf.
I pulled myself together and checked out....only to see a girl from high school
that I hadn't seen in 14 years.
Got to the car and I prayed and prayed.
I know the sacker dude thoughts I was a hysterical, hormonal mess.
Prayed and cried and prayed.
And had the overwhelming feeling of calmness that I have had this entire time.
Because of Him.
People keep saying how well we are handling it,
amazed by our attitudes.
Yes I am upset.
Yes it is terribly frustrating.
And yes, I am mad as hell when I start to think about details of what and what didn't happen.
But crazily enough, I haven't asked 'why' once....I am a detailed person, so why is in my vocab more than you can imagine.
I know how it happened, but I believe that there is a reason for it.
I know that He wouldn't of let this happen if He didn't think we couldn't handle it,
And I am very humbled by that.
And I am very humbled by that.
Sure, lately I have started to get angry just by stupid things,
but I really have stopped and thought about how fortunate we have been through all of this.
Husband had brought up the single mom or dad (or whomever) that has a fire
and doesn't have insurance and has to work
just to pay for what is lost.
Fortunate that we weren't at home
and all we lost is stuff...(even though the pictures are killing me).
We have been literally brought to our knees and full blown tears
by the generosity of our friends, family, neighbors and total, complete strangers.
I then realize that yes we have a right to be upset (maybe not by taking it out on a gallon of water),
but just how grateful we are for what we have
and where our faith is right now.
I said it before, if this had happened a few years ago, I don't know what position we
would be in through all of this.
So yes, I waved the flag to give in,
not to give up (think we needed two weeks or more of sleep),
but to put our trust and faith where it should be
and give it all over to Him...